Haunted by the past and the sins of our fathers...

Things have been going great with dad. I decided I would give him tiny bits of my past at a time. Just to give him time to digest it all.
In my last letter I told him about Heather's liver disease. For those that aren't aware, Heather is my 12 yr. old that was born with a chronic liver condition. At one year of age she was diagnosed as having Byler Syndrome. 9 years later, the Dr's would just call it simply "PFIC" or progressive familial intrahepatic choleostasis. Soon after the initial diagnosis, she received a surgery called a biliary diversion. Her bile is toxic to her liver, it causes cirrhosis.
We've never known what caused her disease. I didn't drink, do any drugs, and I quit smoking very soon after finding out I was pregnant.
When they initially diagnosed her as having Byler's, they asked if we had any amish family members. The disease Byler sydrome is common among the amish.

So anyway... I told my dad about it. Mostly because he's mentioned a lot of health issues that he's dealing with. He's got a genetic disorder that causes spinal degeneration, and type 2 diabetes. I thought he may want to know.
He wrote me back a letter later on and asked if her Dr's had ever inquired about Agent orange. I've been studying up on it ever since, and I'm disgusted that the chemicals that caused all this damage are still causing damage generations down the line from the soldiers that were told to do a little gardening so they could kill more people. He explained that one of his jobs as an airplane mechanic involved working on the planes that distributed Agent Orange.
The information makes me feel a little to blame for her problems. Just because it came from "my side".

Ok.. that's enoguh for now. I'm averaging about 1 blog a week. Yikes... I need to make mini posts. TTFN!

I've been on an extreme high ever since finding my father earlier this week. His praise of my photography and how beautiful he finds all of his granddaughters to be makes me very proud.

It's sad that I can't just enjoy being happy without worrying about when the bottom is going to fall out and I'll become depressed about something real or imagined.
It seems that my highs and lows are polar opposites. The higher I get, the harder I fall.

I've mentioned to him that mom was an alcoholic for quite some time. I didn't tell him about the ass that was my step-father. He seems to have a lot of guilt. I'd hate for him to blame himself for anything that happened to me in his absence.

Wow, I'm going to end this now. i've had to backspace over approx 30 lines of text that got WAY off topic due to imbibing a bit of red wine.

BTW.. does anybody know what my dad is signing in that pic???

The music has nothing to do with the blog.. just a cool cover of a Black Sabbath song by Pantera.
Hope somebody enjoys it...

This is the first drawing by me in over 10 years. I haven't done anything more than a little doodle in many moons. I recieved an awesome sketch pad and a Wolff's graphite sketch set from a "secret mom" many months ago. Not until my second line used for internet took a crap, have I attempted drawing.. it's pretty rough but the girls who haven't ever seen any of my drawings, were totally impressed.
There is nothing in the world like having your children impressed by something you did.

I found my birth father tonight... I haven't contacted him yet. I googled his name earlier this evening along with the word "photography" because that was the only thing I knew that he enjoyed. I have an album full of pictures that he had taken and developed on his own. There are gorgeous close-ups of flowers, pictures of my mother posed beautifully wearing make-up,( something she rarely did in my later childhood years. ) racecars, taiwanese families and pics of him with army buddies. I found a link to a profile for him on a forum for the flashlight enthusiast. (weird.. I know)
I called my sister, and mom to verify a few facts that I read in his profile and it all matched up. My sister called me just a bit ago and said she had been reading posts by him for many hours and said it was "DEFINATELY him". He mentioned having been married, having had two kids, and three grandkids (boy would he be suprised to know he has 7 granddaughters.. especially considering he only wanted one son!!! LOL)
She's going to attempt emailing him and is planning to send the links to my photobucket and her webpage for her two daughters.
She mentioned that it was weird that I was so interested in photography like he was. I explained to her that the album of pics, and the few things mom had told me, were all I knew of him. She was about 4 when he left, so she actually knew him.
I'm so ecstatic to know that he is still alive. Even though he left when my sis and I were very young, supposedly to live an "alternative lifestyle", I want him to know that I was very influenced by seeing the pictures he took.

I don't have many readers anymore. I'm sure who ever is left will surely think differently of me for this...

I should start by explaining why I feel as I do about religion.
I grew up with a step-father who would get wasted, molest and beat me, then read the bible to me.
I am totally spiritually confused. I'm constantly questioning what I believe in. My youngest two children have never been to church, besides an Easter egg hunt.

I know just enough of religion to make me think there are a lot of contradictions that I can't understand. If Jesus died for our sins and suffered so we wouldn't have to, then why is there so much suffering among the innocent in the world? Why does evil almost always seem to prevail?
We have a very close friend that has had a horrible 12 months. Last Oct 28th, he lost his father to cancer. On Dec. 11th his wife passed 1 week after discovering she had leukemia. She was in GREAT HEALTH 1 week before she died and left 4 children ages 19, 16, 11, and 8 to be raised by their father.
In mid january his eldest son was hospitilized with double pneumonia that prompted surgery to drain his lungs. He was out of school the rest of the year.
Yesterday, the oldest son was driving the younger two to school. He lost control of the pickup, crossed a lane, barely missed an oncoming car, hit a fence, flipped the truck, and the youngest daughter (who was supposedly trying to put on her seatbelt) flew out of the truck window still clutching her brand new purse.Her shoulder was fractured. She wouldn't be at home today if not for the fence supporting the weight of the truck.

I have always tried to focus on the good things that happen. Despite the mental, physical, and sexual abuse that I endured from pre-teen to 13, I try to remind my older sister that was spared most of the physical and mental abuse, that we went on many family vacations.There WERE good times. We had fairly decent holidays when we went to lubbock and our parents had to put on a good front for the relatives... dysfunctional as they were themselves.
%

A collection of pictures of Misty.

I've been lamenting lately over how quickly she is growing up.
As her older sisters become more independant, I become more clingy with her.

I picked her up to put her in her high chair tonight and relished that she's still small enough for me to easily lift her.

I think I've been a little crazy with the photography of her. We have nearly 3 gigs of pics stored on the computer. Sadly, the majority are of her.


Anyway, here's some pictures to go along with "Pictures of you" by The Cure

Ahhhh... my blog.. home sweet home!

There's something wrong with my computer phone line today.

I was aware that I had an unhealthy addiction to being online.. just wasn't sure how bad.
I've determined that it is really really BAD. I kept trying to redial every 20-30 minutes just to see if it was working yet.
I finally couldn't take it anymore and hooked up to our home phone line.

Hannah got her license today. Mark kept her out of school so they could do that and work on a few things at the house in Cumby. The roof was blown off by a storm that came after Rita passed. He invited me to go along even the offer of breaskfast cooked by somebody else didn't appeal when considering the rest of the day would consist of me chasing Misty and Bethany around the land while Mark hooked up phones.. etc.

While going through internet withdrawel, I made a movie with video clips, music, special effects, and a pretty little title of Misty's birth. For some reason the music doesn't play.. I'll work on it when I have more patience.

Oh yeah! Happy Birthday to me! Here's the "Beatles" singing "When I'm 64". I'm 34 today..

"Mary Jane"
What's the matter Mary Jane, you had a hard day
As you place the don't disturb sign on the door
You lost your place in line again, what a pity
You never seem to want to dance anymore
It's a long way down
On this roller coaster
The last chance streetcar
Went off the track
And you're on it
I hear you're counting sheep again Mary Jane
What's the point of trying to dream anymore
I hear you're losing weight again Mary Jane
Do you ever wonder who you're losing it for
Well it's full speed baby
In the wrong direction
There's a few more bruises
If that's the wayYou insist on heading
Please be honest Mary Jane
Are you happy
Please don't censor your tears
You're the sweet crusader
And you're on your way
You're the last great innocent
And that's why I love you
So take this moment Mary Jane and be selfish
Worry not about the cars that go by
All that matters Mary Jane is your freedom
Keep warm my dear, keep dry
Tell me
Tell me
What's the matter Mary Jane...

By Alanis Morisette

For Hannah..
I'm afraid I'm not very good at raising a teenager. I'm pretty sure I'm screwing things up for her at every turn. She has been legal to get her license to drive since early Sept. and we haven't taken her to get it yet. Mark promised her weeks ago that he was going to take her and it keeps getting put off.
Tonight Heather had a dance at her school. Despite the fact that she has been a mouthy little preteen lately, her dad thought she should be ungrounded long enough to go.
Hannah got pretty upset about the whole situation, but keeps it all bottled up.

After the dance, I stopped by Dairy Queen and got the girls all sundaes. Hannah and I had cappuchino moolatte's. While we were in drive-thru, Hannah spotted a bunch of her friends from school. We were still in the drive-thru as they all left the restaraunt. She climbed over the console, into the back seat, rolled down the window, and hollared out the window to her friends. They all hollared back and waved excitedly.
We got our treats and headed down the road.. I couldn't help but feel awful for her that it's a friday night, her friends are all out running around, and here she is having a wannabe version of a starbuck's frappucino with mom. She did nothing all summer but anticipate getting her license. At one point during the summer, I really screwed up. I told her not to get too anxious.. she wasn't going to be out driving all the time. Gas is expensive.
I sorta read on *HER* online journal how badly it hurt her. I felt bad for shooting down her hopes, but even worse for reading her blog. Especially if she didn't intend for me to see it.
I'm not feeling real secure in my ability to raise secure young ladies. I'm an emotional mess myself half the time.
I don't anticipate getting much of a break from the next two upcoming teens..